The other day my colleague served a girl who wanted a croissant to take away. We serve take away items in paper bags. My colleague put the croissant in a paper bag and handed it to the girl, who then demanded the tongs, "give me the tongs"
My colleague, a little taken aback, "Why?"
"Because I need to turn it right way up"
My colleague very politely, and a little condescendingly said, "Here, I'll do it" *grabs the croissant and turns it slowly so the flat side is facing the ground.*

Goddamn service people. Always giving us croissants in bags the wrong way up!

In the words on Swerengen- "I have to deal with that."

This is a favourite of mine that I never quite understand, that is foreigners just assuming the shit out of everything.

At my old work we had a few employees who were students from Hong Kong. Chinese customers would come in and speak a completely different language to them, and not even attempt to comprehend that they didn't speak the same language. I remember hearing one conversation where my colleague was trying to tell them she didn't speak Mandarin, and they just kept on ordering.

I have had people speak French and Italian at me. Not to me, or with me. At me. Most don't even bother to gesture what they want. They just damn well order it.

Another annoyance foreigners do, which I've only had from Americans, "Can I pay for that in American dollars?"

a. No.

b. No. Because this isn't the USA.
c. What are you? Stupid?

d. No. Due to b, and also... Your currency is worth jack shit currently.

Not entirely sure what this person is wanting... Free pastry... and 'real thing'? Apparently a French chef, trained in France can't create the 'real thing.' I just don't even.

First world problems.

At my old work we had a buzzer system for collecting meals. The amount of times I'd explain to people on returning there change that it would vibrate when it was ready, only to have them come up and tell me it was flashing was ridiculous. Why do you even bother wearing ears?!!!

On one occasion a colleague of mine was handing out meals, a lady came up to the service counter with the following;

(I should make a note that we use recycled, non-bleached serviettes. They are a light brown colour)

"Hello mam, can I help you?"
"Napkins?"
"There should be some on the Cutlery and Condiments Table on the wall behind you."
"Oh, I looked, there aren't any there."
*Turns to kitchen* "L-----, I told you to restock the serviettes!"
*From kitchen* "I did!"
*Turns back to customer* "There should be some in tower on the table. But I've got some here as well."
*Offers a basket of serviettes to customer*
"...But, they're brown"

These two happened on Christmas Eve 2012

"I want a flat white with a croissant, an extra hot latte, and a skinny flat white with a croissant."
"So, that was two croissants all up?"
"No. A flat white with a croissant. An extra hot latte. And a skinny flat white. With a croissant"

We were five minutes away from closing when this woman rolled in with her friend, it had been a long, busy, horrible day. She was our last customer for the day, there had been some rude ones. Both me and my colleague were standing by the register, but the cafe was packed up and we had been cleaning. Oh, golly-gee.

"I'm sorry, we're closing in five minutes, we're only doing take away orders."
"How long until you close?"
"Five minutes."
"Oh.Well, I don't want anything. *Turns to friend* Do you want anything?"
"Oh yes, I think I'll get a cappuccino."
"So, one cappuccino to take away?"
"No. She would like one cappuccino to take away."
At this point both me and my colleague let out little snorts of laughter and I walked away to resume cleaning. The woman confronted my colleague demanding, "Why are you laughing? What are you laughing at?" My colleague attempted to explain the situation... but to no avail.

Coffee...

Coffee... Ah, coffee. How I have come to love you. I won't lie, I am quite a snob when it comes to coffee. I tend to think I make a good coffee I am very particular over my coffee and will condemn an establishment that doesn't make a good one. If anyone is interested, my coffee of choice when not at work in Melbourne is in Degraves Street (opposite Flinders St. Station, between Elizabeth Street and Swanston Street), it's a little Organic and Fair Trade cafe called TOFWD. The service isn't so great, but the coffee is good.

But, coffee comes with coffee snobs... or people who would like to think they're coffee snobs... I have affectionately labelled these guys as "Arseholes" which are morons who back up their stupidity with arrogance, making them worse.

I have been spoken to like I have no idea of what I'm doing by a woman who ordered a 'Mugguccino' the temptation to say, "Actually, madam, I think you will find a 'mugguccino' doesn't actually exist. It is called a 'Cappuccino in a mug' or a 'large Cappuccino'."

One of my all time favourites, that I have tried to politely correct a few of these arseholes on, is the following;

"I'd like cappuccino, but with no chocolate, and no foam."
"So, one flat white?"
"No. I want a cappuccino. With no chocolate. And no foam."

My old work is split into three different sections within the building. Bistro, ice cream parlour/cafe, and fish mongers. I worked at the ice cream parlour/cafe section. We had 25 ice cream flavours available, all clearly labelled. If we didn't have printed labels we would write the name onto the glass in front of the flavour.

Actual questions we have received:
"What's in the Macadamia Nut Icecream?"
"What kind of ice cream is the... 'Condensed milk, chocolate flake and Caramel swirl ice cream'?"
"What does the Bacio Gelato (Clearly labelled underneath as "Hazelnut and Chocolate") taste like?"

Outside my old work there is a large council owned car park. Parking runs down either side, and again down the centre of the parking lot. This parking lot is a target for ticket inspectors. It is ticket parking for 2 hours maximum and clearly signed. One of my colleagues had a discussion with a customer, "Do you know if the centre has 2 hour parking, because I can't see a sign?"
"I think it does."
"Well, I can't see a sign...I'm sure it'll be fine."
"I'm pretty sure it's still under the same restrictions as the rest of the parking lot."
*Lady walks off*

Another incident involved a woman storming into the restaurant demanding to speak to an owner or manager about dealing with her parking fine. When she was told the restaurant did not own the parking lot, she continued to demand that the we pay her fine.

Possibly one of the best complaints I've ever received:

"This Custard Tart isn't what I expected. It has too much custard"

A man comes in, stares at the 'CASH ONLY' sign, and asks 'I'm sorry, I don't remember. Do you have EFTPOS?'

My work serves a salad Niçoise, we don't use the cos lettuce, and we use canned tuna (not as nice, I know). For most people who look at it, it is predominately a potato salad with some egg, tuna, tomato, olives, and green beans.

I had a customer order the Niçoise as, 'the potato salad.' I explained that it had tuna, she was fine with that. And later I overheard her complaining that there was too much potato...

My colleague received a complaint about our jug of refrigerated water.

"This water tastes funny."
"Oh?"
"Like it's been in a fridge."

I work at a Cafe and Patisserie in Melbourne. This blog will just be anecdotes and observations of the customers within my workplace, as well as any I, or my friend have experienced. If you have an especially moronic story send it in, and I'll post it.